Destiny Star's Blog

Since I’m trying to get back on a normal person’s sleep schedule, I drank some chamomile tea and took a melatonin. That put me right out and I woke up at a reasonable time.

What happened in between, though, wasn’t something I was going to immediately blog about at first, because I’m sure some people will think I’m crazy for it.  I thought and thought and realized that there’s nothing crazy about it when I really think about it.

Last night, after falling asleep, I had a dream that was unlike anything I ever remembered dreaming about before.  Everything seemed incredibly real, but I somehow knew I was dreaming.

Shortly after I realized this, I found myself walking through a flower garden with lots of beautiful bushes, flowers, and trees I’d never seen before.  In the middle of the garden, sitting near a fountain, I saw a man and two women.

I went up to them and realized that the man was Jesus.  The women were Mother Mary and Mary Magdelen.  They said hello to me and asked me to join them.  Jesus told me right away that I was dreaming, and I told him that I knew.

We sat and talked like old friends for what felt like hours.  Jesus huged me and kissed me on the cheek and called me daughter whenever He spoke to me.  The Marys hugged me and called me sister.

They all said they were proud of me for the changes I’m making in my life, and Jesus told me that He has big plans for me.  We continued talking and eating, and in the end, they told me to enjoy my night’s sleep, and that they would try to see me again soon.

I’m not trying to claim that this was an actual appearance by Jesus and two Saints in my dream, because there’s no way I can really know that.  I don’t know whether it was just a lucid dream where I subconsciously decided I wanted to meet Jesus, Mary, and Mary Magdalene, or if they actually decided to come to me.

What I do know is that it was easily one of the most moving experiences of my life.  I woke up this morning crying with the memory of it.  I haven’t felt so perfectly loved in years, and I haven’t felt so worthy of love in years.  If Jesus Himself tells you to your face that He loves you, how can you doubt that?  How can you doubt that He’s right to love you?

I know I can’t.  Today I’m happy.

I took last night off work to do some serious thinking about the path my life is taking, and where I am on that path. It was a long, rough day spent praying, with a little bit of writing thrown in to help me sort things out from other angles.

Several people have been recommending that I quit my job stripping at the club immediately. I know in my heart and in my mind that this would be best for my soul. What gives me trouble is the thought that from the day I turned 18, this has been my only source of income, and that it can be a lucrative one.

I’m also faced with massive financial obligations for the coming year. The cost of attending the school I’ve been accepted to is over $32,000 per semester, even with the scholarship program I was accepted to providing me with free room and board. In addition, before I get there, I will have to have a computer and camera purchased totaling over $5,000.

At current, I have $1,600 in savings, a car I can probably sell for about $2000 more once I get to the design institute, and some other various things I can probably sell for a little bit of cash.

The worst part is that I’ve been so afraid of being unable to raise the money to go to the institute that I’ve been unable to let go of this horrible, sinful job that leaves a tarnish on me every night I go in and work, and which has me terrified for my safety. I’ve been afraid to leave this job which has directly led to my being raped by three different men.

So, following some excellent advice, I got all the information I had together, thought about it, and prayed about it. I prayed to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene. I prayed to Mother Mary, the Blessed Virgin. I prayed directly to Jesus. I prayed to every saint I could find who had faced a decision as terrifying as mine was for intercession on my behalf.

By the end of the night, I knew what had to be done. God had heard my prayers and the prayers of the saints interceding for me. He placed a grace of great peace in my heart and granted me the clear knowledge of what He expected of me.

This morning, I will go make my confession. My full confession repenting for all the sins related to my job. I will hear mass and participate in it fully, taking the Eucharist knowing full well that all my sins have been forgiven because I intend never to repeat them.

Tonight, I will go to my workplace and say goodbye to my friends and co-workers. I will not dance. I will sell all my stripper clothes. I will come home. I will thank God for the guidance He has given me. I will sleep as one newly freed from her sins.

My savings and the money from selling the stripper clothing I’ll never wear again will see me through the end of the year, so long as I live frugally. Rent, utilities, food, and the tank of gas to get me from here to the institute where I will be studying.

I will trust in God to provide me with the means to obtain the education I believe He wants me to have. I will try to find some other part-time work so that I can attempt to save more money for school. I will dedicate myself to continuing to write here as a combination of confession and prayer.

I will follow some more advice I received from a reader of this blog: I will write my story down as a book. It may be more of a piece of semi-autobiographical fiction rather than a memoir or autobiography, for various reasons, including my own personal safety.

I will begin attending mass daily. My parish has an early morning mass for those going to work, and another later in the morning for the students at the Catholic school here, making it easy for me to attend. I owe God this level of devotion for what he has shown to me.

Most of all, I will rejoice in my new life. I’ll be living simply, and without the constant threats to my safety that have plagued me these past four years. I’ll learn to be a normal, 22-year-old girl again. I’ll try to put the things that have been done to me, and the things I have done, into my past as much as possible.

I will serve and love God, and follow His will to go and learn to make beautiful things that improve the lives of those they touch.

Bookmark this on Delicious

This is my prayer to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene

St. Mary Magdalene, penitent who had the courage to wash Jesus’ feet with your tears and dry them with your hair, pray for me to your friend, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that He will grant me the great gifts you were given.

Ask Him to teach me your penitence, that I may weep at His feet for forgiveness of my sins, as you did.
Ask Him to show me a penance as perfect as yours, that I may serve Him as perfectly as you did.
Ask Him to show me the miracle of His resurrection with the clarity He showed it to you.
Ask Him to teach me humility, for while my sin of pride was not as great as yours in your sin, I am still too proud of my beauty and do not use it for His purposes.
Ask Him to grant me the peace and the joy of serving Him that he taught to you.
Ask Him, as He cast seven devils from you, to drive the devil’s influence from my life.
Ask Him to show me the forgiveness He showed to you, as I weep at His feet.

Pray for me, St. Mary Magdalene, that I may find my way out of sin and perfectly into His service as you did.
Amen

Bookmark this on Delicious