Destiny Star's Blog

So, apparently because I’ve done something immoral in my past, I’m not allowed to have opinions about other people doing immoral things… Here I thought I understood that Jesus forgives sins…

Yesterday I did a little bitter of Twitter activism in the Maine referendum on allowing gay marriage. I’m Catholic, as I’m sure you’ve all figured out by now, and so my opinion on that is pretty set. I agree with the church’s teaching that homosexuality is a sin and shouldn’t be endorsed by the state through the marriage subsidy.

Because I endorsed the radical position on twitter that marriage means a man and a woman starting a family together, I was roundly criticized by a large number of people, some of them claiming to be Christians, which makes me curious as to their rationale for rejecting the teachings of Christianity in that matter over the last 2000 years?

Christ created His Church to provide guidance in the lives of His followers on earth until His return, and for the last 2000 years, that Church, through all it’s mainstream incarnations, Catholic, Orthodox, and Protestant, has recognized that homosexual actions are sinful in the eyes of God.

Now, however, at the dawn of Christianity’s third millennium, some churches have decided that God doesn’t think sodomy is such a bad thing after all.

Some compare this to teachings on slavery. I fail to see the comparison. The bible and church tradition, while recognizing the existence of slavery among mankind, sought to control it by creating restrictions on the keeping and treatment of slaves.

The controls placed on the sin of Sodom have always been among the strictest. Leviticus places it among the things bearing the penalty of death (admittedly, most Levitican laws bore death sentences for their violation), and St. Paul, whose divinely inspired writings tempered many of the restrictions placed on Leviticus saw no reason to indicate that homosexual activity should be one of those laws that were no longer binding on Christians under the New Covenant.

For two thousand years homosexual actions have been held to be mortal sins of the highest order. The Catholic Church counts them among the sins “crying out to heaven for vengeance.” The others are Willful Murder, Sins of Sodom, Oppression of the Poor, and Defrauding Workers of Their Wages. (In case you didn’t notice, keeping slaves would violate at least two of those.)

Now, whatever you may think about homosexuals and their place in society, it’s hard to find any justification for a change in the way any church claiming to follow Jesus Christ to reject the clear teachings of all of Christian history. The only justification I’ve found is people’s unwillingness to accept that their friends and family may be entirely lost to their sins.

The Church’s teaching on the matter is fairly simple. If one’s sexual predisposition is towards homosexuality, then God has called one to be single and chaste, just as surely as those called to the religious life are called to remain unmarried and chaste.

Apparently loving Christ and refusing to accept that society should sanction and subsidize something inherently sinful that provides no clear benefit to society makes one mean, hateful, intolerant, evil, and a host of other unsavory adjectives. Jesus never said that it would be easy to follow Him. In fact, He was pretty clear that it would be hard, and that we would be hated for it.

We are all called to be like Jesus in His ability to love the sinner and hate the sin. I know it’s hard knowing that your homosexual friend is sinning and will likely never stop, but that doesn’t mean we can ignore 2000 years of God’s teaching to feel better about our friends’ lives.

The curriculum at the school I’ve been accepted to is absolutely amazing. I thought I’d outline it so people can realize how much of a blessing my admission to this school is. It’s giving me the kind of chance I never thought I’d have to do some truly amazing things with my art.

The curriculum starts out with a full year worth of basic studio art and computer graphics classes. This is meant to give me and my fellow students the basis of an artistic vocabulary that will be necessary whatever field of design we wind up in. Also that year is a survey course of all the art and design majors that the Institute offers. At the end of the first year, I’ll be able to choose between 3D design, studio arts, and video arts fields of concentration, but not an actual major.

The second year is spent with the basic courses of the concentration I will have chosen. I’ll spend that year learning about each individual major in my concentration and what sort of work is done during the schooling for each major and what sort of work I would do in industry after I graduate. At the end of the second year, I’ll choose a major.

The third year I’ll spend learning specialized skills and software to complete the more advanced coursework, as well as more theory classes that my major might require. Third year is usually the toughest academically, but without the failure rate of the first year.

The fourth year is spent with the most advanced design and theory courses and studio projects. Midway through the fourth year, I’ll basically have earned a Bachelor of Arts, or Fine Arts, depending on the major I choose, but it won’t be awarded until I completely finish my course of study.

My fifth and final year I’ll spend in more course and studio work, as well as on creating a Master’s thesis or thesis project. At the end of the year, I’ll graduate with a BA or BFA and a MA or MFA in my chosen field.

All in all, the degree will probably cost me nearly $200,000. More financial aid will start to be available next fall, and I’m praying to God I get that. If not, I’ll likely be able to get scholarships as well to cover more of the costs, in addition to keeping the scholarship that gives me a free room and meal plan in their dorms.

So that’s the best description of the great blessing that’s been put right in front of me. I just have to figure out how to take advantage of it. Thirty-two thousand dollars sounds like a big hurdle, but how big is it compared to how far I’ve come?

For years I was an abused girl who got used for sex by every man in her life. I was lost and alone, working in a job where I got taken advantage of every night, lived in fear of being raped at any turn, and didn’t have any real hopes for the future but to maybe marry some rich man as a trophy wife and eventually get discarded for someone younger and prettier, hoping that I got enough to live off of in the divorce.

Now, I’m born again, well on my way to being a good Catholic girl who goes to mass every day. I’ve quit stripping, I’ve quit having sex, I’ve quit even associating with men very much. I’m admitted to a school that is to art and design what Harvard and Yale are to business and law, what MIT and Stanford are to computer science.

If I work hard the next five years of school, I’ll never have to strip or sell myself in any way to support myself and live a good life. I’ll have skills that will make me more valuable to employers than I’d ever imagined being. I’ll be free to live a life where I can give of myself to God and live the way He wants me to.

I’ll be able to marry a man who can see me as a woman who will help him and his children attain heaven, rather than as a pretty plaything to keep around as long as I’m interesting. I’ll be able to know that the man I marry will be able to look past my past sins and see me for who I am and for who I can be. Jesus told me that in our conversation in my dream, and told me that my gifts of art and my admission to the Institute were his gifts to me, I just had to take them.

Last night as I was stopping by the grocery store after going to a late mass, I saw the creepy guy from one of my last nights at work again. He was at my grocery store! This is really scaring me. I don’t know if he recognized me, since I was dressed for mass, not for work.

I don’t even know what’s going on I’ve been up all night with my pistol next to me, worried about what might happen next… I can’t bear the thought of being taken again, I just can’t. I feel like I’m losing my mind here.

I’m rocking myself, holding my rosary and praying for my safety as the night goes on. This guy just really trips all the wrong triggers with me. He was scary and creepy, and then he showed up in my neighborhood, just a few blocks from where I live. Where I live!

I can’t do this… I can’t live where I’m afraid that I’m being stalked constantly. I need to get out of this town. I need to get out of this life and into the new one that’s waiting for me. I can’t live on hold anymore.

I looked at my lease and it would cost me two thousand dollars to get out of my lease here and then about two thousand more to find a short-term place to rent near the Institute where I start school in January. I’m worried I’ll be taken and hurt again unless I make a break from my life here. If you can help me out with this, please, please help me. I need out of here.

Since I’m trying to get back on a normal person’s sleep schedule, I drank some chamomile tea and took a melatonin. That put me right out and I woke up at a reasonable time.

What happened in between, though, wasn’t something I was going to immediately blog about at first, because I’m sure some people will think I’m crazy for it.  I thought and thought and realized that there’s nothing crazy about it when I really think about it.

Last night, after falling asleep, I had a dream that was unlike anything I ever remembered dreaming about before.  Everything seemed incredibly real, but I somehow knew I was dreaming.

Shortly after I realized this, I found myself walking through a flower garden with lots of beautiful bushes, flowers, and trees I’d never seen before.  In the middle of the garden, sitting near a fountain, I saw a man and two women.

I went up to them and realized that the man was Jesus.  The women were Mother Mary and Mary Magdelen.  They said hello to me and asked me to join them.  Jesus told me right away that I was dreaming, and I told him that I knew.

We sat and talked like old friends for what felt like hours.  Jesus huged me and kissed me on the cheek and called me daughter whenever He spoke to me.  The Marys hugged me and called me sister.

They all said they were proud of me for the changes I’m making in my life, and Jesus told me that He has big plans for me.  We continued talking and eating, and in the end, they told me to enjoy my night’s sleep, and that they would try to see me again soon.

I’m not trying to claim that this was an actual appearance by Jesus and two Saints in my dream, because there’s no way I can really know that.  I don’t know whether it was just a lucid dream where I subconsciously decided I wanted to meet Jesus, Mary, and Mary Magdalene, or if they actually decided to come to me.

What I do know is that it was easily one of the most moving experiences of my life.  I woke up this morning crying with the memory of it.  I haven’t felt so perfectly loved in years, and I haven’t felt so worthy of love in years.  If Jesus Himself tells you to your face that He loves you, how can you doubt that?  How can you doubt that He’s right to love you?

I know I can’t.  Today I’m happy.

So, now I’ve quit my job. I spent this weekend out with my friends from work, more or less saying goodbye. They promised to keep calling to spend time with me, but I know in my heart that won’t last long.

Really, all we had in common was that we worked in that strip club, and now I don’t. I’m not one of them anymore. I hadn’t really been one of them in a while. I didn’t go down on guys in the back for extra cash, didn’t have a drug habit, and didn’t dress like them outside of work.

Now, I’m even less like them. I go to mass every morning. I don’t strip. I dress in long skirts and blouses. I feel better about myself, and I’m happy to have put that life behind me.

I’m also scared and a little lonely. The girls from the club were really the only friends I had in real life. I always had enough money to get through the month. I didn’t have to worry about bills very often. Now I have to worry about all those things.

I have enough money in savings to cover my bills until the end of the year, which is about the best thing I can say. I still have that massive tuition bill and ridiculously expensive computer that I have to find some way to pay for.

How is an uneducated, jobless woman supposed to come up with $30,000 in tuition money and $5,000 in computer equipment before the middle of December? Someone please give me an answer to that, because I just don’t know. I’m praying about that every day, and I hope God will make the answer clear soon.

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I took last night off work to do some serious thinking about the path my life is taking, and where I am on that path. It was a long, rough day spent praying, with a little bit of writing thrown in to help me sort things out from other angles.

Several people have been recommending that I quit my job stripping at the club immediately. I know in my heart and in my mind that this would be best for my soul. What gives me trouble is the thought that from the day I turned 18, this has been my only source of income, and that it can be a lucrative one.

I’m also faced with massive financial obligations for the coming year. The cost of attending the school I’ve been accepted to is over $32,000 per semester, even with the scholarship program I was accepted to providing me with free room and board. In addition, before I get there, I will have to have a computer and camera purchased totaling over $5,000.

At current, I have $1,600 in savings, a car I can probably sell for about $2000 more once I get to the design institute, and some other various things I can probably sell for a little bit of cash.

The worst part is that I’ve been so afraid of being unable to raise the money to go to the institute that I’ve been unable to let go of this horrible, sinful job that leaves a tarnish on me every night I go in and work, and which has me terrified for my safety. I’ve been afraid to leave this job which has directly led to my being raped by three different men.

So, following some excellent advice, I got all the information I had together, thought about it, and prayed about it. I prayed to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene. I prayed to Mother Mary, the Blessed Virgin. I prayed directly to Jesus. I prayed to every saint I could find who had faced a decision as terrifying as mine was for intercession on my behalf.

By the end of the night, I knew what had to be done. God had heard my prayers and the prayers of the saints interceding for me. He placed a grace of great peace in my heart and granted me the clear knowledge of what He expected of me.

This morning, I will go make my confession. My full confession repenting for all the sins related to my job. I will hear mass and participate in it fully, taking the Eucharist knowing full well that all my sins have been forgiven because I intend never to repeat them.

Tonight, I will go to my workplace and say goodbye to my friends and co-workers. I will not dance. I will sell all my stripper clothes. I will come home. I will thank God for the guidance He has given me. I will sleep as one newly freed from her sins.

My savings and the money from selling the stripper clothing I’ll never wear again will see me through the end of the year, so long as I live frugally. Rent, utilities, food, and the tank of gas to get me from here to the institute where I will be studying.

I will trust in God to provide me with the means to obtain the education I believe He wants me to have. I will try to find some other part-time work so that I can attempt to save more money for school. I will dedicate myself to continuing to write here as a combination of confession and prayer.

I will follow some more advice I received from a reader of this blog: I will write my story down as a book. It may be more of a piece of semi-autobiographical fiction rather than a memoir or autobiography, for various reasons, including my own personal safety.

I will begin attending mass daily. My parish has an early morning mass for those going to work, and another later in the morning for the students at the Catholic school here, making it easy for me to attend. I owe God this level of devotion for what he has shown to me.

Most of all, I will rejoice in my new life. I’ll be living simply, and without the constant threats to my safety that have plagued me these past four years. I’ll learn to be a normal, 22-year-old girl again. I’ll try to put the things that have been done to me, and the things I have done, into my past as much as possible.

I will serve and love God, and follow His will to go and learn to make beautiful things that improve the lives of those they touch.

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Being stalked is probably the most terrifying experience anyone can have. You meet someone and are nice to him, and he’s nice t you, but for some reason, things just aren’t going to happen in a relationship. You tell him you just want to be friends, and suddenly your life is turned upside down.

I met my stalker at the club where I work. He asked questions while I was dancing, and even invited me to just sit and talk. We talked, I tod him about my art, and even gave him a way to see some of it online.

He started coming in to see me dance more often, and started reading commetns on my art pages. He even commented a time or two and made me feel special. One day h came into the club wih a box of art supplies for me. I thanked him and continued my night.

He coninued to come in, and while I didn’t realize I at the time, he would get extremely jealous whenever I danced for someone other than him. I didn’t know that when he wasn’t there watching me, things were getting extremely creepy.

He was frequently following me around town. He knew my car and my license plate number. He knew my home phone number and my cell phone number. He knew my real name. He had my myspace and facebook addresses with my real name on them.

He knew who my parents had been. He knew where I lived, he knew when I worked and when I didn’t. He knew hings about me that I thought were deep, dark secrets from all but my very closest friends.

He would watch me from the shadows outside my home as I dressed for bed. He watched me go to sleep. He watched as I occasionally had sex with someone from the club or a bar. He got jeaous. He got angry. In his mind, I belonged to him, and no one else should have me.

He started to plan.

He started learning everything there was to learn about everplace I went reguarly. He learned the layut of the cub. He earned the layout of my home and the homes around me. He learned about the stores where I shopped and the parks where I ran.

He learned everything about me and made his plan foolproof. He hid severa times near each place he thought he could catch me alone at times he thought I would be there to learn if he really could catch me alone.

While all this went on, he continued to be a regular at the club whenever I was there. He and I continued to have little conversations whenever I danced for him. I thought we were, well not friends, but people who had a very pleasant working relationship. He was one of my favorite customers because he tipped well for dances and didn’t expect me to do things for him.

Then, one day, it happened. I was walking to my car at the edge of the parking lot of the mall I liked to shop at on my nights off. It was late and the mall had just closed. A van was parked next to my car. As I unlocked my car door, the van door rolled open and I was pulled inside.

I was tied down, gagged, and covered with a blanket. I was driven around for a long time, probably in circles. Eventually we stopped and I was carried like a sack of potatoes to a room where I was tied down on a bed.

He sat and talked to me. He told me all about his obsession with me. He called it his love for me. He told me that now we would be together forever. I cried. He cut my clothes off me.

He didn’t rape me right away. He tried to act like he was my lover. He kissed me all over. He touched me. He made my body betray me by becoming aroused. When he entered me, I screamed. I screamed that I hated him. I screamed that he was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

I made him angry. He beat me. He raped me again. He sodomized me. He told me that I would die as his property. He told me that I was his, and that I’d never see anyone I loved again. He told me that if I wanted to be see someone I loved I’d better start loving him.

I was kept chained to that bed for I don’t know how long. He would occasionally let me go to the bathroom, but would stay and watch me. He’d make me go with him standing right there looking at me, and then he’d chain me back to my bed. He’d rape me whenever he felt like it. He’d use me however he wanted.

I’m only alive and free because my roommates missed me and couldn’t get me on the phone, and I’d parked in view of a security camera at the mall. The police looked for me, found out I’d gone to the mall, found my car, and saw me being kidnapped. They saw his license plate. They found his address.

They found me chained to a bed, beaten, bloody, and feeling like my soul had been raped out of me. He was tried, I had to testify, and he went to prison. He wasn’t a big, tough, or mean guy, so he spent some time being raped repeatedly himself before he tried to fight back and was killed.

He’s the rapist it’s easiest to forgive for some reason, because he was the third. He was the one who led Miranda to bring her priest to talk with me. He was the one who ultimately led me to Jesus, and, in a way, I suppose I owe him for that.

I hope that he found God before he was killed, and I hope that his soul was saved, because otherwise he’ll spend the rest of eternity longing for the time he spent in prison and wishing he could have traded places with me chained to that bed. I won’t pray for him to be released from purgatory, and I won’t pray that he suffers in hell. I do forgive him, though, and I hope he found his salvation.

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This is my prayer to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene

St. Mary Magdalene, penitent who had the courage to wash Jesus’ feet with your tears and dry them with your hair, pray for me to your friend, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that He will grant me the great gifts you were given.

Ask Him to teach me your penitence, that I may weep at His feet for forgiveness of my sins, as you did.
Ask Him to show me a penance as perfect as yours, that I may serve Him as perfectly as you did.
Ask Him to show me the miracle of His resurrection with the clarity He showed it to you.
Ask Him to teach me humility, for while my sin of pride was not as great as yours in your sin, I am still too proud of my beauty and do not use it for His purposes.
Ask Him to grant me the peace and the joy of serving Him that he taught to you.
Ask Him, as He cast seven devils from you, to drive the devil’s influence from my life.
Ask Him to show me the forgiveness He showed to you, as I weep at His feet.

Pray for me, St. Mary Magdalene, that I may find my way out of sin and perfectly into His service as you did.
Amen

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Why haven’t I stopped stripping? Why don’t I just quit? It’d be the best thing for me, probably. It’s really scary though, when I think about it. I’m spending a this time doing something I hate for the very reason I started it: Money.

Quite simply, I can’t afford to quit. I have $3,000 in tuition bills coming up and no way to pay them. On top of that , my rent runs about $300 a month with utilities and everything included on this crappy little place I live.

My car is paid off, though it’s not worth that much. I bought it for around $4000 and might be able to get 2000 if I were to sell it. On top of that, I’m going to have to buy about $5000 worth of computer equipment to be able to do my work when I get to school.

I’m going to be learning the most high end 3D computer design out there. For that I have to have a computer that will keep up with the programs I’ll have to use and no take months to render one of the scenes I’m going to be creating. It’s really cool stuff, but it takes a lot of power from the computer.

I have about $1600 left in savings after putting down my deposit to hold my place in the class starting in January. I have no idea how I’m going to make ends meet, or even if I will make them meet. I have a spot in their dorms lined up for free, but unless I can pay the tuition, I’m not sure how long they’ll let me stay.

I don’t know how much money the scholarship that’s been set up for me has in it right now, but it’s mostly coming from a very small church that meets in the pastor’s house because they don’t have enough people or enough money to rent, buy, or build a church building, so I don’t expect them to be contributing much. They’re hoping it will help me attract funds that the donation has official non-profit status through their church.

I want to trust that the Lord will provide me with the means to quit my job now and get ready for school starting in December, but no job out there I could get can pay me what I make now, and I still have no idea what I’m going to do to pay for school.

Yes, I’m worrying about money. Wouldn’t you be? I’ve got the best opportunity to change my life I’ve ever been offered sitting right in front of me, and I’m being asked for more money than I’ve ever had to get it. I’m also being told that I’ll never be able to work for the money I need and do well enough to stay in school.

So tell me Lord, what do I do? Do I quit the job that’s keeping me afloat until I can get where I need to go? Do I work this job until it’s time to go off to my school and my new life? Do I stay working where I am until I’m too old and worn out for anyone to want to see me? Do I quit this and give up on going to school, where it seems so clear You want me to go? I’m listening, Lord. Please tell me what to do…

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Hooray! My scholarship fund is set up through my friend’s church! Their congregation is putting some money in, and hopefully other people will soon be willing to donate or give grants. I want to thank God for putting these amazing people in my life, and thank this church for making it possible for all the people who want to help to do so.

They’re a small house church in Kansas taking me on as a project, and eventually others as well. They’ve set up the scholarship to be “for the purpose of funding the education of sex workers who have found Jesus Christ and wish to leave their time as sex workers behind them.”

So within a few days, I’ll have an address through the church where donations can be sent, but right now I’ve got a paypal account where donations can be made. This is amazingly exciting to me, as it’s unlikely I’ll get much financial aid through the school, as they disburse their funds at the beginning of the fall semester.

I applied for the Spring semester because admission was less competitive and because I’d already missed the deadline for the Fall semester, and I want out of this line of work. So, if you want to donate to the scholarship fund which will help me (and eventually others working in sex industries) out of my line of work and into school, click the paypal button at the end of this post or in the sidebar!

God bless my friend Eric and his flock for doing this to help me and others like me!

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