Destiny Star's Blog

I’m reading a book my priest recommended for me. It’s supposed to be a good primer on a philosophy that has helped Christians leave things up to God and to be content for almost as long as Christianity has been around. The book is called Letters From A Stoic and it’s by Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

Seneca wrote shortly after Christ’s crucifixion, and many believe he was incredibly influential on early Christian thought. It’s known for sure that he was influential on early church fathers. St. Augustine quotes him, and St. Jerome wrote high praise of him.

So far, I’ve found a lot about being content with the life that God gives you, whether that’s poverty or riches, and being content whether you go from one to the other. He gives good insights on friendship and other people. He talks about how too much time in the world is detrimental to the soul.

It’s helping me deal with my fears as best I can, and helping me realize that whatever I’m afraid of is unlikely to destroy me. It’s an incredible book for those who are looking to learn more about techniques for putting things in God’s hands, even though Seneca was never a Christian and didn’t write much specifically about God, just about living.

So, now I’ve quit my job. I spent this weekend out with my friends from work, more or less saying goodbye. They promised to keep calling to spend time with me, but I know in my heart that won’t last long.

Really, all we had in common was that we worked in that strip club, and now I don’t. I’m not one of them anymore. I hadn’t really been one of them in a while. I didn’t go down on guys in the back for extra cash, didn’t have a drug habit, and didn’t dress like them outside of work.

Now, I’m even less like them. I go to mass every morning. I don’t strip. I dress in long skirts and blouses. I feel better about myself, and I’m happy to have put that life behind me.

I’m also scared and a little lonely. The girls from the club were really the only friends I had in real life. I always had enough money to get through the month. I didn’t have to worry about bills very often. Now I have to worry about all those things.

I have enough money in savings to cover my bills until the end of the year, which is about the best thing I can say. I still have that massive tuition bill and ridiculously expensive computer that I have to find some way to pay for.

How is an uneducated, jobless woman supposed to come up with $30,000 in tuition money and $5,000 in computer equipment before the middle of December? Someone please give me an answer to that, because I just don’t know. I’m praying about that every day, and I hope God will make the answer clear soon.

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I took last night off work to do some serious thinking about the path my life is taking, and where I am on that path. It was a long, rough day spent praying, with a little bit of writing thrown in to help me sort things out from other angles.

Several people have been recommending that I quit my job stripping at the club immediately. I know in my heart and in my mind that this would be best for my soul. What gives me trouble is the thought that from the day I turned 18, this has been my only source of income, and that it can be a lucrative one.

I’m also faced with massive financial obligations for the coming year. The cost of attending the school I’ve been accepted to is over $32,000 per semester, even with the scholarship program I was accepted to providing me with free room and board. In addition, before I get there, I will have to have a computer and camera purchased totaling over $5,000.

At current, I have $1,600 in savings, a car I can probably sell for about $2000 more once I get to the design institute, and some other various things I can probably sell for a little bit of cash.

The worst part is that I’ve been so afraid of being unable to raise the money to go to the institute that I’ve been unable to let go of this horrible, sinful job that leaves a tarnish on me every night I go in and work, and which has me terrified for my safety. I’ve been afraid to leave this job which has directly led to my being raped by three different men.

So, following some excellent advice, I got all the information I had together, thought about it, and prayed about it. I prayed to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene. I prayed to Mother Mary, the Blessed Virgin. I prayed directly to Jesus. I prayed to every saint I could find who had faced a decision as terrifying as mine was for intercession on my behalf.

By the end of the night, I knew what had to be done. God had heard my prayers and the prayers of the saints interceding for me. He placed a grace of great peace in my heart and granted me the clear knowledge of what He expected of me.

This morning, I will go make my confession. My full confession repenting for all the sins related to my job. I will hear mass and participate in it fully, taking the Eucharist knowing full well that all my sins have been forgiven because I intend never to repeat them.

Tonight, I will go to my workplace and say goodbye to my friends and co-workers. I will not dance. I will sell all my stripper clothes. I will come home. I will thank God for the guidance He has given me. I will sleep as one newly freed from her sins.

My savings and the money from selling the stripper clothing I’ll never wear again will see me through the end of the year, so long as I live frugally. Rent, utilities, food, and the tank of gas to get me from here to the institute where I will be studying.

I will trust in God to provide me with the means to obtain the education I believe He wants me to have. I will try to find some other part-time work so that I can attempt to save more money for school. I will dedicate myself to continuing to write here as a combination of confession and prayer.

I will follow some more advice I received from a reader of this blog: I will write my story down as a book. It may be more of a piece of semi-autobiographical fiction rather than a memoir or autobiography, for various reasons, including my own personal safety.

I will begin attending mass daily. My parish has an early morning mass for those going to work, and another later in the morning for the students at the Catholic school here, making it easy for me to attend. I owe God this level of devotion for what he has shown to me.

Most of all, I will rejoice in my new life. I’ll be living simply, and without the constant threats to my safety that have plagued me these past four years. I’ll learn to be a normal, 22-year-old girl again. I’ll try to put the things that have been done to me, and the things I have done, into my past as much as possible.

I will serve and love God, and follow His will to go and learn to make beautiful things that improve the lives of those they touch.

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Why haven’t I stopped stripping? Why don’t I just quit? It’d be the best thing for me, probably. It’s really scary though, when I think about it. I’m spending a this time doing something I hate for the very reason I started it: Money.

Quite simply, I can’t afford to quit. I have $3,000 in tuition bills coming up and no way to pay them. On top of that , my rent runs about $300 a month with utilities and everything included on this crappy little place I live.

My car is paid off, though it’s not worth that much. I bought it for around $4000 and might be able to get 2000 if I were to sell it. On top of that, I’m going to have to buy about $5000 worth of computer equipment to be able to do my work when I get to school.

I’m going to be learning the most high end 3D computer design out there. For that I have to have a computer that will keep up with the programs I’ll have to use and no take months to render one of the scenes I’m going to be creating. It’s really cool stuff, but it takes a lot of power from the computer.

I have about $1600 left in savings after putting down my deposit to hold my place in the class starting in January. I have no idea how I’m going to make ends meet, or even if I will make them meet. I have a spot in their dorms lined up for free, but unless I can pay the tuition, I’m not sure how long they’ll let me stay.

I don’t know how much money the scholarship that’s been set up for me has in it right now, but it’s mostly coming from a very small church that meets in the pastor’s house because they don’t have enough people or enough money to rent, buy, or build a church building, so I don’t expect them to be contributing much. They’re hoping it will help me attract funds that the donation has official non-profit status through their church.

I want to trust that the Lord will provide me with the means to quit my job now and get ready for school starting in December, but no job out there I could get can pay me what I make now, and I still have no idea what I’m going to do to pay for school.

Yes, I’m worrying about money. Wouldn’t you be? I’ve got the best opportunity to change my life I’ve ever been offered sitting right in front of me, and I’m being asked for more money than I’ve ever had to get it. I’m also being told that I’ll never be able to work for the money I need and do well enough to stay in school.

So tell me Lord, what do I do? Do I quit the job that’s keeping me afloat until I can get where I need to go? Do I work this job until it’s time to go off to my school and my new life? Do I stay working where I am until I’m too old and worn out for anyone to want to see me? Do I quit this and give up on going to school, where it seems so clear You want me to go? I’m listening, Lord. Please tell me what to do…

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Hooray! My scholarship fund is set up through my friend’s church! Their congregation is putting some money in, and hopefully other people will soon be willing to donate or give grants. I want to thank God for putting these amazing people in my life, and thank this church for making it possible for all the people who want to help to do so.

They’re a small house church in Kansas taking me on as a project, and eventually others as well. They’ve set up the scholarship to be “for the purpose of funding the education of sex workers who have found Jesus Christ and wish to leave their time as sex workers behind them.”

So within a few days, I’ll have an address through the church where donations can be sent, but right now I’ve got a paypal account where donations can be made. This is amazingly exciting to me, as it’s unlikely I’ll get much financial aid through the school, as they disburse their funds at the beginning of the fall semester.

I applied for the Spring semester because admission was less competitive and because I’d already missed the deadline for the Fall semester, and I want out of this line of work. So, if you want to donate to the scholarship fund which will help me (and eventually others working in sex industries) out of my line of work and into school, click the paypal button at the end of this post or in the sidebar!

God bless my friend Eric and his flock for doing this to help me and others like me!

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A church run by an old friend of mine from high school has agreed to help me out! They’re setting up a scholarship fund that will let people who feel inclined to donate money to help me out and get a receipt allowing them to claim a tax deduction, which is incredible! I’m feeling so amazingly blessed!

They’re not sure how long it will take before they can have absolutely everything set up, since the fund needs its own bank account and some other issues, but he’s saying it should be within the week!

I’m very excited, as I’ve had a couple people ask how they can help. They say they can also take donations of the parts my computer guy is going to need to build my computer, since that’s going to be another $4,000 or so. As soon as I figure out how to post a link to the wishlist on a computer parts website he made for me, I’ll do that.

So, things are looking up, and it just goes to show that when you trust in the Lord, He will show the way!

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